Your Surrogacy Journey and Your Family
There are a few things to consider as you tell your children about your surrogacy journey. The way you approach the conversation will depend on your child’s age and cognitive ability, whether there are other siblings in your family, and the support and awareness around you, your family, and your community.
It is important that your children learn directly from you that you are a surrogate, before they overhear any conversations about it or are asked about it from someone else.
Follow your children’s lead. Share with them the basic information and see if they ask another question. If they do, answer that particular question. Avoid overloading them with more information than they are asking or are ready for.
If your children are very young you can wait until you know you are pregnant so that they don't have to hold the information for too long a period of time.
If your children are in their younger years, I have found the best way to describe surrogacy is to show them a photograph of the intended parents. It gives them something tangible that they can see and hang onto. You can explain to them that the intended family or parent hopes they will get the chance to have a child just like you had them. Share with them that the person’s body is unable to grow a baby, so you are going to grow their baby inside of your body. Let them know you are helping to grow their baby, but you are not going to be the baby’s mom. This is a gift that you are able to give to someone who wants to have a baby.
It is important to use the word “surrogate” with your children. This is such a significant event in your family’s world; they should feel like they are a part of it. They need to know what “surrogate” means, as they are bound to hear conversations between you and other adults either personally or medically.
You may be surprised by how many people in public are willing to say and ask personal questions. They are likely to assume that the pregnancy will result in a sibling for your children, and they might ask them directly, "Are you having a baby brother or sister?" Your children should have the information to respond in a way that feels comfortable to them. They may wish to answer the question or direct the person to you
Some children may ask about the medical piece, as you will be going to several medical appointments. You may get questions like, “How does the baby get inside?” Depending on their age, you may respond by saying, “With the doctor’s help.” Depending on how inquisitive your child is, as well as their age, will determine how
much technical information they need. If you are not sure of the language to use there are some books that can help so that you can read the material to them.
With children at all ages it is important to reassure them that you are doing ok, even if you have nausea and don't feel well, or are going to the doctor more often. If your children are a bit older you can let them know that not every seed or embryo becomes a baby and that you may be trying a few times.
If you have multiple children of different ages and you choose to tell your older ones we don't want them to have to hold a secret from your younger children. Sometimes it is best to tell your different aged children separately so you can answer their various, age appropriate questions.
Surrogacy is an exciting journey to take with your family. It is an opportunity for your children to learn about you and have a unique life experience you will always remember!
Abigail Glass, MFT
I am a therapist, wife and mother with personal and professional experience in the areas of fertility treatment, adoption, miscarriage and early loss, surrogacy and challenging pregnancy.
